Personal stuff

"fhrblig" (fhrblig) 07/08/2018 at 10:55 • Filed to: None

13

46

Have a Cobra for your time.

I have very little of a relationship with my dad. There isn’t any problem between us, there’s been no fall-out or argument, it’s just that there’s mostly nothing there. Growing up, he was always decent to me and we definitely had more of a bond than he did with my sister, but there was always a bit of a distance.

I lived with him about 20 years ago for a time in my early 20s, but it was like we were roommates who barely ever talked to each other. My dad has always been very shy and introverted, and he worked in the aerospace industry. He is heavy into HAM radio and hunting and fishing, and since I was never really into those things it made it difficult for us to connect. I like doing other things in the outdoors like camping, hiking, and so on, but whenever we camped he spent most of the days fishing and my older sister and I went off and did other stuff.

I’ve sent him a couple messages over the years and not gotten much of a response. I last talked with him in person a couple of years ago. Well, out of the blue he sent me an email yesterday morning. I called him and we talked for a few minutes, and he suggested we go do something like four-wheeling or riding some ATVs he has up in the mountains. I told him I’d like to and hopefully it will happen sometime soon.

I am not out to him. He is pretty much the only family member I’m not out to. Most of our family is highly conservative, but they’ve all been awesome to me. The only person I would have a genuine concern about it would be his brother who became really severely religious as he got older, but he lives halfway across the country and I barely ever see him.

I really have zero idea of how he will react when I tell him. I’ve never known him to be religious, he’s never said a single thing derogatory toward gay people, and he only ever yelled at me when it was warranted. But I have to tell him. I’m married, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to behave like I’m ashamed of my husband because I’m not. And I want my dad to be a part of our lives. He’ll be 70 next year and I want him to know we’ll be willing to be there for him if he needs us. He has even less of a relationship with my sister and she lives in Florida; we’re the closest family he’ll have.

I’m struggling with how to do it, though. I know this much, I want to try to give him as much breathing room to deal with it as I can. This may sound weird but I want him to know that I don’t need him to be all rah-rah supportive, model-PFLAG parent because I already have that in my life. I just want him to be aware that it’s part of reality and that I have a family. I want him to be in my life. And I really want to be there for him. Part of me wants to say that if the worst case scenario happens and he turns away from me that I won’t have lost anything because he hasn’t been there anyway, but it’s not just that. The door would be closed and it would create a bigger void than there already is. I really don’t want that to happen. But I have to prepare myself that it could be the outcome. I’ve been so incredibly fortunate in my life that all my family is supportive and kind, and at some point the law of averages has to come into play. I know he’s not a bad guy, though.

I just wanted to get this stuff off my chest, as it’s been stressing me out a bit. Thanks for listening!

farscythe - makin da cawfee! > fhrblig 07/08/2018 at 11:04

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good luck mate

i has all me fingers toes and bobbleheads crossed for it going well

fhrblig > farscythe - makin da cawfee! 07/08/2018 at 11:09

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Thanks, I appreciate it!

aquila121 > fhrblig 07/08/2018 at 11:10

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Here’s hoping that he is supportive, and processes the new information well. I   sympathize, because I haven’t seen my father for about fifteen years, and have no way to contact him if I wanted to. I certainly understand not wanting to close that door if you don’t have to.

Even with the possibility of a good or not so good outcome with telling your dad, it does sound like you have others who love you and are with you—keep utilizing them, and even some strangers on the internet are happy to listen if you have more you need to get off your chest.

Mercedes Streeter > fhrblig 07/08/2018 at 11:15

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*Hugs* You know, I still do not know how my parents truly feel about me. At some point I felt it was better not to know than to reopen scarred wounds. One day they just stopped trying to send me to conversion therapy.

Their denial of ever treating me poorly raised more questions than answers. I know they’re willing to lie their way out of the rough subject.

Every once in a while my mum will let it slip. She’ll tell me I’m stupid for transitioning. I should have been focused on producing her grandchildren. I supposedly ruined and mutilated myself.

Dad will parrot a far right whackjob and I have to remind him that he knows a trans person and knows for a fact that his idols are spewing hate and lies about us. Further, if he accepts his idols for truth, then it means he thinks very little of me.

I don’t know him really at all. When I was growing up, h e was never there. One time he literally said that he was going out for a pack of smokes and he didn’t come back. The only past memories I have of my dad are of him being hateful or abandoning the family. I’ve been trying to bond with him for the past couple years to create new memories that aren’t garbage. So far it’s been hit or miss, but time will tell.

Good luck, you got this! <3

sm70- why not Duesenberg? > fhrblig 07/08/2018 at 11:19

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You’ve gotta do what you’ve gotta do. I highly doubt, based on everything you’ve said, that he’ll reject you. He may actually gain a good deal of respect, you never know. Most people have a healthy amount of respect for the courage it takes to come out. You’ll be fine. You got this!

fhrblig > aquila121 07/08/2018 at 11:21

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That’s the biggest concern for me,  how he processes it. I feel like if he gets too uncomfortable he might just shut down and stop listening and talking, with lots of ‘uh-huh’s and such. That’s my fear, that we won’t be able to talk about it.

aquila121 > fhrblig 07/08/2018 at 11:31

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All you have control of is your side of the conversation, and it sounds like you'll put this forth in a great way that gives no pressure or expectation to your dad. I understand the concern, but I'm also choosing to be optimistic.

Chuckles > fhrblig 07/08/2018 at 11:33

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I don't have any advice, but good luck. I hope it goes well.

fhrblig > Mercedes Streeter 07/08/2018 at 11:43

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My dad may have been distant, but he was always there. He and my m om divorced when I was 7. It was the best possible outcome for both. They were so badly matched that it’s astonishing they even came together in the first place. I’m glad they did because it resulted in me and my sister, but holy shit. My dad never remarried (or even dated as far as I can tell), while my mom remarried twice.

My mom and current stepdad are great, and my partner’s parents are too. As bad as it sounds, I’m relieved I never had to tell my mom’s 2nd husband. We already didn’t get along in my teen years and he was pretty racist. He died of lung cancer in ‘97. Even then he might have been ok with it, as he was more just dismissive to gay people than outright hateful. I still wouldn’t wish what happened to him on anyone. He suffered a LOT. It was heartbreaking to see.

My current stepdad had a very close friend who I believe was m-to-f trans, but never transitioned . My stepdad always talks about him (I use him because that’s apparently what pronoun he used his whole life) and has mentioned that he was a cross-dresser but he’s never said that with any negative connotations, just that it was a fact of his life. It was one of the things that made me feel more comfortable about coming out to him. His friend was also a pretty severe hoarder, and it sounds like he had a rough life. I’m glad my stepdad was there for him and was so supportive.

My partner had it a little rougher than me originally. I guess his parents were pretty hard on him because his older brother was the golden child growing up, and they weren’t the most supportive . They are wonderful now though. Sometimes it just takes a little time for people to get used to it. Also, his brother started fucking up and acting out and became a bit of an asshole. They ended up having to basically raise their granddaughter.

I hope your relationship with your parents gets better as time goes on.  It sounds like a pretty big roller coaster you’re on.  Keep your head up!

fhrblig > sm70- why not Duesenberg? 07/08/2018 at 11:45

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I hope so.  I just really don’t want it to make him more withdrawn.  That’s what I’m really afraid of.  He had a bad childhood according to my mom, and also he’s a Vietnam vet so he went through some shit.

If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent > fhrblig 07/08/2018 at 11:45

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I’m in the exact same situation with mine. I haven’t been able to see him regularly since I was 12 and it’s definitely put a damper on our relationship. As it is I only see him 3-4 times per year so I’ve been able to avoid coming out to him. I know there won’t be a big falling out or anything but it probably will put a strain on our already tenuous bond. It has to happen eventually but I’m just not sure how. He’s very emotionally repressed (Polish Catholic family) which is going to make this harder. My sister already came out to him and it went okay, but I think two kids is going to be too much.

fhrblig > Chuckles 07/08/2018 at 11:46

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Thanks.  I’ll be sure to give an update after the dust settles.

fhrblig > If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent 07/08/2018 at 11:52

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I’m going to try to just rip this damn band-aid off and hope for the best.

Has your dad ever reacted negatively towards gay people? I can’t remember ever hearing my dad say anything one way or the other at all, b ut that’s not surprising because he barely talks about anything other than his interests .  That’s the thing that’s giving me hope, that he really has no position on it.

Alfalfa > Mercedes Streeter 07/08/2018 at 11:59

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!!! UNKNOWN CONTENT TYPE !!!

This is my wife's mother to a T. It's easier for her to say she was a good mother rather than admit she was a vindictive alcoholic

Captain of the Enterprise > fhrblig 07/08/2018 at 12:00

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I’m sorry I don’t have advice but I wanted to say good luck and I can appreciate how hard it could be to come out to him. I have a bad relationship with my dad which got worse after telling him about my depression. I hope for better news for you.

If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent > fhrblig 07/08/2018 at 12:02

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Mine is exactly the same. He’s not outspoken about gay rights the way my mom is but I’ve also never heard anything from him to indicate he has a problem with gays. It’s just a topic that’s never come up bcause he doesn’t talk about that kind of thing. If anything I think what breaks him would simply be  the realization that he’ll pobably never have his own grandkids.

fhrblig > Captain of the Enterprise 07/08/2018 at 12:03

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Thanks, and hang in there. It means a lot to me that someone who is going through what you’re going through would take the time to offer me words of encouragement. I hope things improve for you!

fhrblig > If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent 07/08/2018 at 12:05

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Is that a big thing for him?  I don’t think my dad has even the slightest interest in grandkids.  At least I hope not, because I doubt it’ll ever happen.  I’m open to having kids but my partner isn’t, and my sister really does not want kids at all.

sm70- why not Duesenberg? > fhrblig 07/08/2018 at 12:07

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Which is to say this shouldn’t really phase him. And at the end of the day, if for some reason he does withdraw because of that, you have to understand that that’s his problem. Own what’s yours, but nothing more.

My single biggest regret in life is that I didn’t come out to my parents in person. I told a trusted clergy who in turn told them. From then on, I vowed that I would never be too worried about someone’s reaction to my sexuality to tell them to their face. You’re doing the right thing by telling him. How he chooses to react, which will most likely not be in a bad way, is his problem.

Captain of the Enterprise > fhrblig 07/08/2018 at 12:15

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Thank you, I’ll try my best. I’m working on getting to move out permanently this fall (I’m still in college). I’ve been living on my own this summer for my internship and my therapist and psychiatrist have noticed an improvement already. I’m hoping to make it permanently as it makes it easier to work on myself and feel less like a hostage all the time. I’m glad I could offfer some encouragement for you and I appreciate you doing that in return!

fhrblig > sm70- why not Duesenberg? 07/08/2018 at 12:16

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It would be hard.  I’m worried that it wouldn’t necessarily be opposition to gay people as much as it being such an uncomfortable situation for him that he closes up.  I’ve seen him do that in certain social interactions and I have some of those same tendencies myself.

If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent > fhrblig 07/08/2018 at 12:18

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Yeah. His side of the family is very tradi tional. You get married, provide for your wife, and you have kids and continue the family line. It’s what’s expected. And as repressed as he is I think he misses having kids in the house.

I still haven’t made up my mind. I do want kids but I know I won’t be the best parent so for their sake it’s better if I don’t. My sister has discussed it with her girlfriend and they decided if they ever had kids it’d be adoption rather than a donor so it wouldn’t actually be “his” grandkid.

Manny05x > fhrblig 07/08/2018 at 12:24

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Good luck bud, i am sure your dad will understand and be supportive of you.

sm70- why not Duesenberg? > fhrblig 07/08/2018 at 12:29

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I understand. You just have to try not to let that stop you. Even if it’s awkward in the moment, it’s best long-term. Like I said, you’ve got this!

vicali > fhrblig 07/08/2018 at 12:33

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Good luck, I think being open and honest is the way to go. Let him chose how to react- you can’t control that part.

Could be worse- you could have had to tell  him in m orse code! Ha ha ham jokes..

duurtlang > fhrblig 07/08/2018 at 12:42

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I imagine it’s tough to deal with such a thing. Is it possible he’ll just shrug, as if you’re telling him you like music he doesn’t care about?

fhrblig > If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent 07/08/2018 at 12:56

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That’s too bad, but maybe an adoption wouldn’t be as bad to him.  You never know.

fhrblig > Manny05x 07/08/2018 at 12:56

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Thanks.  I really hope it goes well.  I really want him to be in our lives.

fhrblig > vicali 07/08/2018 at 12:57

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I can do S-O-S, that’s all.  I remember his call sign though! He got the license plates for one of his trucks now too.

fhrblig > duurtlang 07/08/2018 at 12:58

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That’s actually the reaction I’d be most comfortable with because it would be exactly like him.

WilliamsSW > fhrblig 07/08/2018 at 15:26

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Good luck - sorry I don’t have a lot of advice, but it seems to me that you need to tell him, and I would suggest just ripping off the bandaid, personally. From your description of him, I have a feeling that he will take it in stride and accept you for who you are . And it’s tough on you, not knowing for sure, but hopefully it goes well and he can be a part of your life.

Best wishes!

fhrblig > WilliamsSW 07/08/2018 at 16:07

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I really really hope it goes well. Thanks!

ttyymmnn > fhrblig 07/08/2018 at 18:38

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Any chance he already knows?

fhrblig > ttyymmnn 07/08/2018 at 18:54

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I mean, you’d think he’d figure it out because I never came to him with questions about girls. But he’s not the most perceptive guy in the world when it comes to people. I don’t know. It’s possible. That would make it way easier. 

ttyymmnn > fhrblig 07/08/2018 at 18:55

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Can you ask any other family members if he knows?

fhrblig > ttyymmnn 07/08/2018 at 19:12

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The only family member he ever talks to is his  brother, the ultra religious one. And I doubt he knows.

ttyymmnn > fhrblig 07/08/2018 at 19:16

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Your mom is not in the picture?

fhrblig > ttyymmnn 07/08/2018 at 19:20

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He and my mom divorced in 1982 and he never remarried. Or even dated.

CaptDale - is secretly British > fhrblig 07/09/2018 at 16:59

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I mean you could just spring it on him and ask if he’d like to get dinner with you and your husband after going ATV riding.

Either way good luck. Family can be difficult...

fhrblig > CaptDale - is secretly British 07/09/2018 at 18:13

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I kid you not, the last time I offered to take him to dinner his response was “I don’t really like restaurants”. I can translate that for you. “I don’t like being where there are people”.

I think I could bring him something from Wendy’s and we could talk about it at his house though.

CaptDale - is secretly British > fhrblig 07/09/2018 at 18:23

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Huh, your father sounds... Interesting.

I have a similar relationship with my father. Well I mean we have one and it’ s nice. He is a good guy and far more outgoing than yours, but it has always been strained to have interactions together.

fhrblig > CaptDale - is secretly British 07/09/2018 at 20:56

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He may be a bit distant, but we've had our moments over the years. If everything goes like I hope it will, I'm really looking forward to spending time with him again. Plus, he needs to put a new clutch in his 9th-gen F-150 and I'd love to help him do that.

CaptDale - is secretly British > fhrblig 07/10/2018 at 12:23

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Well that should be a decent time spent together. I hope everything goes well.

Chan - Mid-engine with cabin fever > fhrblig 07/12/2018 at 22:39

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Keep us posted! Sounds like you have a good plan.  He should know all of the points you’ve stated above.  However it ends, you tried.

Chan - Mid-engine with cabin fever > fhrblig 07/12/2018 at 22:51

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I wouldn’t wish lung cancer on my worst enemy.  It’s aggressive, painful, difficult to detect and guaranteed to be deadly.

fhrblig > Chan - Mid-engine with cabin fever 07/12/2018 at 23:27

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I would have given anything to take it away from him. It went from his lungs into his brain aggressively, and the surgery changed him into this dull, gray shell. Occasionally his personality would surface, and then it would be gone.